Help! My Child's Relationship with Food Is Triggering Me! (When your child's eating brings up your own history with food, body image, or an eating disorder.)
Written by Dr. Colleen Reichmann, owner and clinical director of Wildflower Therapy
Motherhood has a remarkable way of bringing old wounds back to the surface, doesn’t it?
Our relationship with food is, I fear, not the exception to this. Maybe you've spent years working toward peace with food after an eating disorder. Maybe you no longer diet but still hear that critical inner voice when your body changes. Or, alternatively, perhaps you've done the hard work of healing your relationship with food, and then suddenly *poof*- your child enters a new stage that makes you question everything.
If this is happening to you, please hear me when I say that you're NOT failing.
You're actually in such good company with other mothers who notice the same thing. (It’s just not something people tend to talk about outside of the therapy space!)
A a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders and maternal mental health at Wildflower Therapy in Philadelphia and Devon, Pennsylvania, I’ve seen this experience countless times. Many of the mothers I work with feel surprised, and sometimes ashamed, that their child's eating can activate emotions they thought they'd already worked through.
The haerd pill to swallow is that parenting often asks us to revisit our own relationship with food over and over again.
Every Stage of Childhood Can Bring New Triggers
One of the hardest parts is that the triggers don't usually happen just once. They evolve alongside your child. Let’s journey through the seasons, shall we?
Breastfeeding (or Not)
For many mothers, feeding anxiety begins with breastfeeding, pumping, formula feeding, or some combination of all three. Questions like:
"Am I making enough milk?"
"Why won't my baby latch?"
"Why is everyone judging how I feed my baby?"
can become haunting for some. Perfectionism, body image, and feelings of worthiness can be SO intensely wrapped up in this part of the journey. And for women with a history of eating disorders, changes in appetite, weight, body shape, or the pressure to "bounce back" postpartum can make this season especially vulnerable.
The Toddler Who Lives on Goldfish and Air
Then comes toddlerhood. The child who happily ate everything last month suddenly survives on strawberries, golfdish, and air.
This season can bring up anxiety (your mind may immediately jump to catastrophic thoughts):
"They're not getting enough nutrition."
"I'm failing as a parent."
"I need to make them eat."
Or it can bring up incredible frustration. You may find yourself becoming far more emotionally invested in every bite than you expected, and far more irritated by the process of feeding you child than you ever realized you’d be.
(And of course the incredible irony here is that children often eat best when mealtimes stay calm and pressure-free- but seriouslt how hard can that be when your own nervous system feels so activated?!)
When Your Child Has ARFID or Is Highly Selective
And perhaps after you emerge from the toddler years, you coe to find out that your child isn't simply picky. They're neurodivergent, and have intense sensory sensitivities. Maybe they even get diagnosed with ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder).
Parents of kids with ARFID often come to us feeling exhausted and even depressed. They've tried every strategy, but every meal feels like a battle- and one that is taking control over the entire home.
The emotions parents experience as a result of highly selective eating are so valid. Watching your child eat a very limited variety of foods can understandably trigger fears (especially if you've worked hard to heal your own relationship with eating).
It's also common for parents of these kiddos to blame themselves. Common worries that race through their minds sound like:
"Did I cause this because of my own eating disorder?"
"Did my body image issues somehow rub off on them?"
(Please know that the vast, vast majority of the time, the answer is no.)
ARFID is a complex eating disorder with biological, sensory, developmental, and psychological factors. It is NOT caused by a parent having struggled with food or body image. Still, that doesn't make parenting through it any less emotionally taxing.
Then Comes Adolescence…
Many parents tell us they felt relatively steady until one day they overheard their teenager say:
"I feel fat."
"I'm going on a diet."
"I'm cutting carbs."
Suddenly, it's as though your own adolescence comes rushing back. You remember the magazine covers, the calorie counting, and all of that time spent on miserable stairmasters, with a steely blank stare on your face.
The comments from relatives about YOUR body coming rushing back. And all of those years spent believing your worth depended on your size.
Hearing your child speak that same language can feel heartbreaking.
Many parents become so focused on protecting their child that they unintentionally stop caring for themselves.
And Maybe Your Child Lives in A Larger Body, or Prefers Sweets
For some parents, one of the most unexpected triggers comes when their child’s body or eating preferences look different from what they expected.
Maybe your child has always lived in a larger body. Maybe they strongly prefer sweets, snack foods, or a limited range of “fun” foods. Maybe you notice yourself feeling anxious, worried, or even panicked when you see them eating in ways that remind you of messages you absorbed growing up.
You may find yourself having thoughts like:
"Are other people going to judge them?"
"Am I doing something wrong?"
"How do I protect them from the body shame I experienced?"
"What if they struggle the way I did?"
For parents who have a history of dieting, body dissatisfaction, or eating disorders, these moments can feel especially complicated. Your brain may be trying to protect your child from the pain you experienced, and it can be incredibly difficult to separate your child's relationship with food and their body from your own experiences.
Your Child Doesn't Need a Perfect Parent
This is truly one of the most important things that I want people who feel triggered by their child’s eating for any reason - that one of the greatest myths about parenting is that you have to be completely healed before raising healthy eaters.
You don't.
Children benefit from parents who are aware, not perfect. They need parents who notice when they're activated, and who apologize when need be. They need parents who continue doing their own work, and who model flexibility instead of perfection.
Healing isn't and never was about never being triggered. (Because how wild of an ask is that?! It;s essentially saying that to be a good parent, you can’t be human…)
It's about recognizing the triggers, without letting them dictate how you respond.
Therapy Isn't Just for Your Child
When a child struggles with eating, all attention naturally shifts toward getting them help.
Mothers are typically overlooked. This is a HUGE miss in my opinion, because mothers tend to shoulde rthe burden of the mental load. So to every mom out there reading this:
If every meal leaves you anxious…
If you're constantly questioning whether you're "doing food right"…
If your child's eating disorder has awakened your own…
If your body image has deteriorated since becoming a parent…
YOU deserve support, too.
In fact, your own healing is one of the greatest gifts you can give your family.
When mothers receive therapy, they often report feeling calmer around meals, and less guilt and self-blame overall. They also tend to report greater confidence responding to their child's eating.
And aside from your child’s relationship with food, therapy can help with improving your own body image and relationship with food! Because this era of your life demands a new version of healing. Do NOT write off the idea that things can get better for you, and that your future in terms of body image and food can feel more peaceful, even if you’ve struggled for years.
And, I would be remiss not to add here that, perhaps most importantly, therapy gives mothers a place where they don't have to be the strong one. You can the one to be seen, heard, and nurtured for once.
You Are Allowed to Have Your Own Experience
Sometimes mothers tell me about how guilty they feel talking about how hard everything is because their child is the one struggling. Hear me when I say that your child's pain matters. But your own pain doens’t discount your childs.
Your needs matter too.
Supporting a child through feeding challenges, selective eating, ARFID, body image concerns, or an eating disorder can stir grief, fear, anger, sadness, and old memories. Those feelings deserve attention. Caring for yourself helps you care for your child too!
You don't have to carry both your child's relationship with food and your own history by yourself.
Therapy for Mothers in Philadelphia and Devon, PA
At Wildflower Therapy, we understand that food isn't just about nutrition. It's about identity, family, culture, parenting, anxiety, and the stories we've carried about our bodies for years.
Our therapists specialize in helping mothers navigate body image concerns, eating disorder recovery, postpartum mental health, ARFID, selective eating, parenting stress, and family relationships around food. We work with women who are pregnant, newly postpartum, raising toddlers, raising school-aged children, parenting neurodivergent children, and raising teenagers-and who recognize that their own healing deserves attention alongside their child's throughout all of that.
Whether you're recovering from an eating disorder yourself, parenting a child with feeding challenges, or simply finding that motherhood has reopened old wounds around food and body image, you don't have to navigate it alone.
If you're looking for an eating disorder therapist in Philadelphia, a body image therapist in Devon, PA, or compassionate therapy for mothers who are struggling with food-related triggers, Wildflower Therapy is here to help.
Healing can happen across generations-and it often begins by giving yourself the same compassion you've spent years giving everyone else.
Looking for Therapy?
At Wildflower Therapy, our clinicians provide compassionate, evidence-based treatment for children, adolescents, adults, and families struggling with eating disorders (including ARFID, anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, and exercise addiction), body image concerns, and related challenges. We also support children, teens, adults, and families who are navigating things like ADHD, anxiety, depression, OCD, and maternal mental health/infertility.
We provide therapy in-person in Philadelphia or Devon (and virtually for anyone in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Delaware, Florida, South Carolina, Vermont, Virginia, Ohio, and Massechusetts.)
Again, you do NOT have to do this alone. If you’re concerned about your child’s relationship with food, reaching out for a free consultation call with the Wildflower director (that’s me! Dr. Colleen Reichmann) is an important next best step!