Why Are We All So Lonely? A Philadelphia Therapist’s Perspective

Written by Dr. Colleen Reichmann, licensed clinical psychologist and director of Wildflower Therapy

“My God I’m so…lonely.” If you’ve found thinking this recently- if you have laid awake at night wondering “why does it feel so hard for me to connect with friends and feel happy?”- you’re not alone. In fact, loneliness has quietly become one of the most pervasive emotional experiences of modern adulthood. At Wildflower Therapy, our Philadelphia-based therapy team hears about this ache in session after session: the friendships that feel shallow, the group texts that never quite satisfy, and the creeping sense of disconnection and flatness in a world that’s supposed to be more “connected” than ever.

So why is it like this? How did we all get so lonely, especially when we are all SO hyperconnected at all times? And what can we do about it? Let’s talk about it.

The Hidden Loneliness Epidemic

Even before the COVID-19 pandemic reshaped how we gather and connect, loneliness was quietly on the rise. In 2018, a national survey by Cigna found that nearly half of Americans reported sometimes or always feeling alone, and two in five people felt like their relationships weren’t meaningful. COVID was like a lit match to a gas tank in a way- it blew up the loneliness to unavoidable recognition- and since then, social isolation has only deepened for most.

Loneliness isn’t just a sad feeling — it’s a public health issue. Research shows that chronic loneliness is associated with increased risk for heart disease, depression, anxiety, and even early mortality. It is one of the most difficult human emotions to sit with- in part because it signifies a deep evolutionary need. Human beings evolved to be in constant community with one another. The creeping feeling of intractable loneliness can thus signify to our brain that something is very long-we don’t have our crew around. (And back in the day, crew meant survival. So you can see why our brains go haywire when this feeling persists…) It impacts our sleep, our self-esteem, and our sense of purpose. Unspoken, unaddressed loneliness fuels everything from disordered eating, to anxiety disorders and depression, to maternal mental health struggles and more.

Why Our Phones Leave Us Empty

One of the most surprising culprits in our modern loneliness crisis? Our phones.

I can feel you cringing now, so let me just say right off the bat- no. This isn’t a tired anti-technology rant. Texting (and smart phones) have opened up entire new worlds in so many ways. In fact, social media makes community accessible in an online format, which is a lifeline for some disabled folks. And the rooms of very specific groups on social media can also provide solace to those going through unique struggles (think NICU moms, or folks with rare medical diagnoses). After all, there is something truly healing about being able to communicate with people going through a similar struggle to your own, especiall when it is one that almost no one else in your life can relate to.

And texting has, indeed, made it easier than ever to stay in touch. You can check in on a college roommate in California while waiting in line at Trader Joe’, or send a meme to your sister who lives states away while getting your oil changed. It feels like connection. And it is a form of connection. In fact, studies show that texting and commenting back and forth or messaging on social media give us a dopamine release (the brain chemical associated with pleasure and reward). It’s easy AND gives us dopamine? What could be bad about that? Well, the main issue, when it comes to connection, is that texting and social media communication doesn’t trigger the release of oxytocin — the hormone associated with trust, bonding, and emotional intimacy. Oxytocin is released through more intimate communication-face-to-face connection, physical connection, and even just talking on the phone!

So while texting help us be in communication, and releases dopamine, it doesns’t release the chemical that helps us feel emotionally bonded, loved, or connected. So while a group chat can remind you that you have friends, it won’t necessarily make you feel less lonely. This might explain why you can text with people regularly, and have 45 group chat notifications at any given time, but still feel inexplicably distant from the world.

At Wildflower Therapy, many of our Philadelphia-area clients report feeling overwhelmed by constant digital chatter — yet longing for meaningful, embodied connection. And the truth is, no amount of heart emojis can fully substitute for hearing someone’s voice crack as they tell you about their hard day, or sitting on a friend’s couch in your sweatpants watching terrible reality TV together. No number of memes send on social media can recreate what your brain does when someone you care about holds you in a long hug. No amount of validating responses from chat GPT can recreate the feeling of your friends eyes welling up with tears and reaching out to hold your hand as she empathizes with what you’re going through. But in our face paced society, these dopamine-heavy, one dimensional connections often feel like all anyone has time for.

Why Making Adult Friends Is So Hard

Another piece of the loneliness puzzle? Our culture makes adult friendship SO difficult to find and maintain.

Think about it: for most of us, friendship was built into the structure of childhood and young adulthood. You had recess, sports teams, college dorms, study groups-Opportunities for spontaneous, repeated, and low-stakes social interactions were everywhere. (And research shows that repeated interactions are absolutely foundational to friendship.) As adults, though, and especially as women balancing careers, caregiving, and household responsibilities- those chances to discover and also lovingly cultivate connections narrow dramatically.

The hard truth is, in adulthood, friendship requires intentional effort. And effort is inconvenient.

Modern society subtly trains us to prioritize productivity over community. We glorify being busy. We pedestalize the grind. But friendship and community takes time, flexibility, and a willingness to be inconvenienced. This means saying yes to the weeknight dinner when you’re exhausted. It means driving 25 minutes to see someone in person when a text would be easier. It means rescheduling a workout to be there for a friend’s tough appointment. It means showing up at your friend’s child’s baseball game, when you’d rather take a nap.

And yet, more and more recently, our culture tends to celebrate casual friendships. Think about how many reels you have seen where people talk about the need for “low stress friendships” (ie friends who you can ghost for weeks and months, and then come back to and pick up right where you left off.) Consider also, how many of us have “every few month friends” – those who we only connect with for dinner every so often to engage in catch up chats. Those relationships are absolutely valuable, and the connection is important, they rarely scratch the deeper itch for belonging. Community really requires consistent interaction. It requires making repeated efforts to invest in those relationships. It requires us to show up even when it’s not super efficient or easy. And in a society obsessed with convenience, where we all also mostly feel burnt out on the gerbil wheel of work and home life, it is hard to show up in this way! (That is worth naming because no, you are not bananas for feeling lonely but still turning down many of the invites in favor of sitting alone and scrolling Our society is set up in a way that makes this enticing.)

The Pressure on Women and Girls

It’s also worth naming that for women, loneliness carries some specific challenges. Research has shown that women tend to prioritize relational connection more highly than men (though this may mainly be because they are allowed and encouraged to as children, vs males who are discouraged from vulnerability and connection…another blog post for another time?!) and may feel loneliness more acutely when it arises.

Add in social media, which often presents an idealized, curated version of friendship (think: birthday brunch selfies, vacation photos, carefully captioned tributes), and it can feel like everyone else is swimming in meaningful connection while you’re stuck on the shore.

In our Philadelphia therapy office, we work with so many women navigating this feeling of having “missed the manual” on friendships. It can often seem like everyone else has these incredible friend groups, which can have the effect of highlighting your own loneliness more intensely.

For adolescent girls, this is especially fraught. The teenage years are when peer connection takes center stage in identity formation. But in an era of Snapchat streaks and TikTok trends, the quantity of “social interaction” has increased, but studies show that this cohort of teenagers are getting together in person less often than past cohorts.

So, What Can We Do About It?

The good news? Loneliness isn’t inevitable. But it does require us to get a little uncomfortable. Here are a few ideas to start:

1. Prioritize In-Person Connection When You Can

Notice when you’re defaulting to texting or social media, and challenge yourself to at least opt for a phone call or a video chat (even one out of every five reach outs!) Meeting up in person is even better (though much more time-taxing). Phone calls, video calls, and in-person connections, even in small doses, make a real difference.

2. Be Willing to Be Inconvenienced

Real community isn’t often super efficient. Say yes to the things that disrupt your routine sometimes. Drive across town. Show up to the birthday dinner. Sit through the awkward group event (ok come on-just once in awhile.) Community is built in these in-between moments.

3. Let Friendships Be Imperfect

One barrier to adult connection is the unrealistic expectation that friendships need to be effortless or perfectly matched. Allow for imperfection. Some friendships will be deep, others more casual. Some friend meet deep conversation needs, others meet belly laughter needs. And remember, some seasons of life will allow for more connection than others.

4. Name Your Loneliness

In therapy, we often see that simply naming the loneliness aloud takes away some of its power. If you’re feeling disconnected, talk about it. Reach out to a therapist. At Wildflower Therapy, our team supports people in Philadelphia, as well as the surrounding areas (Villanova, Bryn Mawr, Wayne, Haverford, and West Chester) through exactly these struggles. Therapists can be helpful in providing tools to change interpersonal relationships, accountability to make the changes when it’s hard, and empathy for how much is can bring up when we try to address these harder patterns. You don’t have to carry this alone.

5. Seek Out Community Spaces

Whether it’s a yoga studio, a moms’ group, or a weekend hiking club- shared-interest communities create opportunities for organic, ongoing connection. And if you can’t find one you like, start one. Chances are, others are craving the same thing.

You Deserve Real Connection

Loneliness isn’t a personal failure. It’s a symptom of a culture that has deprioritized community. But the ache you feel is valid. And it’s pointing you toward something important: the human need for belonging and intimacy.

At Wildflower Therapy, our mission is to help people in Philadelphia and the Main Line area reconnect with themselves and others in meaningful, sustaining ways. Whether you’re navigating a tough friendship season, struggling with anxiety, disordered eating, or simply feeling untethered — we’re here to help.

Because you were never meant to do this alone.

Looking for support in navigating loneliness, disordered eating, anxiety, or depression?

Contact Wildflower Therapy today to schedule a consultation with one of our compassionate, experienced therapists in Philadelphia- we see people in person in our center city office, or virtually if you reside in PA, VA, DE, OH, VT, NJ, MA, or FL!