When Your Child Struggles: One of the Hidden Heartaches of Motherhood

Written by Dr. Colleen Reichmann, founder and clinical director of Wildflower Therapy

I think that most mothers can agree- there are few things more gut-wrenching than watching your child struggle. From the very beginning, motherhood is a journey of watching your heart navigate the world outside of your body. There is SUCH an overwhelming drive to protect them. When our babies take their first steps and stumble, our instinct is to reach out and catch them. And I would argue that this instinct stays put for most of us, even as they grow and the falls become less physical.

Maybe they begin to stumble in friendships. Maybe their stumbling involves anxiety at school, self-esteem, body-image-or feeling like they just don’t quite fit in. Whatever their stumble is, our instinct remains to scoop them up and carry them home (and hell, it remains with that very same level of intensity as when they were wobbling around learning to walk, and looked like they were about to go careening into the side of the table.) But- unlike a forehead bump, these struggles don’t come with an easy bandage or quick fix.

For many mothers, one of the hardest parts of parenting is realizing how little control we actually have over our children’s experiences as they grow older. It is natural to feel worry, sadness, and even helplessness when your child is hurting. What often goes unspoken, though, is how deeply a child’s struggles affect a mother’s emotional world. You’ve likely heard the old saying that it’s only possible to be as happy as your unhappiest kid? Yeah…same. It feels *jarringly* true so far in terms of my own motherhood journey. And I am betting that if you are reading this, then it does for you as well.

If you are a mother in Philadelphia- or anywhere in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Delaware, South Carolina, Florida, Massechusetts, Vermont, Ohio, or Virginia-who is carrying the heavy heart of watching your child struggle (in any variety of ways) please know: you are not alone. At Wildflower Therapy, our team of therapists specializes in supporting moms just like you.

Why It Hurts So Much to See Your Child Struggle

Motherhood is built on love that runs deeper than words. When your child struggles, your heart aches because your bond with them is so damn strong. Many moms describe feeling their child’s pain as if it were their own. This deep empathy is achingly beautiful- a profound reflection of your fierce love.

But with this fierce love comes tremendous emotional weight. A child’s struggles often stir up feelings of:

• Worry: “What if this gets worse?” “What if my child never feels better?” “What if it progressses to something horrible happening to them?”

• Helplessness: The painful awareness that you simply cannot (and should not, of course) solve every problem for your child.

• Guilt: Wondering if you missed something, if you could have done more, or if it’s somehow your fault.

• Sadness: Mourning the fact that your child isn’t carefree, happy, or thriving in the way you hoped, or in the way that same age peers seem to be.

These reactions are not signs of being “too sensitive” or “emeshed.” They are part of being a loving, present mother. But they are heavy to shoulder. There is no doubt that with insane amounts of love, come insane amounts of worries to heave around all day long.

Childhood Struggles That Weigh on Mothers

Every stage of childhood brings its own challenges, and every mother feels the ripple effects when her child is hurting. Some of the most common struggles we hear about from moms in therapy include:

• Anxiety: Children may worry about school, friendships, safety, or perfectionism. Moms often carry this anxiety too, lying awake at night wondering how to help.

• Friendship difficulties: Watching your child get left out, excluded, or bullied can reopen your own old wounds from childhood.

• Academic pressures: When school feels overwhelming, moms often wonder how much to step in and how much to let go. There is also often an innate holding of responsibility here. Mothers often wonder if they did enough to foster academic success, and find ways to blame themselves.

• Body image and self-esteem issues: Especially as children grow into adolescents, struggles with body image or social comparison can be incredibly painful for moms to witness (many of whom are still working through their own body image struggles.)

• Identity and belonging: If your child feels like they just don’t fit in, your instinct may be to want to smooth the path for them. Yet, so much of growing up involves navigating these struggles on their own (or so all of the books say. I myself am not fully convinced that my role isn’t to physically fight anyone who gives my children the message that they do not belong…)

In all seriousness, the truth is that, as children get older, their struggles become more complex- and our ability to “fix them” becomes smaller. This reality can easily leave even the most confident mother feeling powerless and heartbroken.

A special note on moms of neurodivergent kids: This type of heartbreak probably feels even sharper and more chronic for you. From an early age, many neurodivergent children- whether they have ADHD, autism, or learning differences-receive painful messages from schools, daycares, or other environments that they are “too much,” “not enough,” or otherwise problematic. As a mom, hearing that your child is misunderstood or labeled in ways that don’t honor their strengths can feel soul crushing. You see their brilliance and uniqueness, yet the world often feels focused on crushing their spirit. Watching people and institutions give your child the “you’re just not good enough” message over and over can create deep sadness and scary-big levels of anger. It is an exhausting and tender place to live, and no mom should ever, ever have to navigate it without support.

Why Your Pain Is a Reflection of Love

It is important to pause here and again honor this truth: if your child’s struggles are weighing on you, it means your love is alive, and oh-so-fierce. One more time, a little louder for anyone in the back who is feeling down on themselves today-Feeling unsettled when your child isn’t okay is not a sign of weakness or failure. It is evidence of your devotion. Your worry and sadness are the natural outpourings of a heart that wants the very best for your child. You just want to protect them. Lean in close while I say this next part-you are such a good mom.

When Your Child’s Struggles Stir Up Old Wounds

For many mothers, watching their child struggle can feel especially overwhelming because it echoes their own childhood experiences.

• If you were bullied, seeing your child get left out may feel unbearable.

• If you struggled with anxiety, watching your child wrestle with worries may hit too close to home.

• If you dealt with body image concerns, hearing your child speak critically about their body may feel like a mirror to own pain.

If you child’s experience has tapped into an old wound of your own, please know there is no shame here. This is natural, and so common. AND this is one of those instances when putting on your own oxygen mask is just as important as putting on theirs. Because it’s hard to guide them without also having some support around working through your own pain. Therapy for moms can be a powerful way to untangle these layers: to separate your child’s story from your own, to heal old hurts, and to respond from a grounded, sturdy place rather than from unhealed pain.

Why Supporting Yourself Matters

Moms often put themselves last. Moreover, we punish and blame ourselves relentlessly for any struggles our children have. But here is the truth: caring for yourself is essentially caring for them. When you nurture your own mental health, you are better able to support your child with clarity, patience, and compassion.

Therapy can give you:

• A safe space to process your feelings. You don’t have to hold all the worry and sadness inside.

• Tools to manage anxiety and overwhelm. Instead of spiraling into “what ifs,” you can learn ways to ground yourself.

• Support for your own healing. Therapy can help you explore how your childhood experiences shape your parenting today.

• Permission to not be perfect. Therapy reminds you that being a good mom does not mean protecting your child from every hardship- they will inevitably all have hardships. Mothering means walking alongside them with love, showing up with unconditional positive regard, and being a safe lighthouse for them in the storm.

At Wildflower Therapy, we believe that supporting moms is one of the most powerful ways to strengthen families.

Therapy for Moms in Philadelphia and Pennsylvania

If you are a mother in the Philadelphia area- or anywhere in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Delaware, South Carolina, Florida, Massechusetts, Vermont, Ohio, or Virginia- who is struggling with the heartache of watching your child struggle, therapy can help. At Wildflower Therapy, our team of compassionate therapists understands the unique challenges moms face.

We offer therapy that helps mothers:

• Find balance between caring for their children and themselves

• Work through anxiety, guilt, and self-doubt

• Heal from their own childhood wounds that resurface in parenting

• Learn strategies to support their children without losing themselves

If your child is going through an eating disorder, we want to support you. If they are struggling with being neurodivergent in a neuronormative world, we want to support you. If they are being bullied, have anxiety, or are going through depression- we want to support you. You don’t have to carry the weight of your child’s struggles alone. Reaching out for support is an act of love (for both yourself, and for your child).

A Final Word

Watching your child struggle is one of the hardest parts of motherhood. Point blank. There is no way around it (Well, not one that I have personally found. Jury is still out on my picking physical fights idea). The ache in your heart is proof of your love, and the worry you feel is the natural response of a mom who cares deeply. While you cannot protect your child from every hardship, you can support yourself so that you are steady, grounded, and present for them.

If you are in Philadelphia or anywhere in Pennsylvania and are ready to explore therapy for moms, the therapists at Wildflower Therapy would be honored to walk alongside you. You don’t have to do this alone- support for you matters, too. Reach out today.